November, 2012 and January, 2013
Written before leaving Tonga:
I always want to be completely honest here, hoping that something I write might make someone else’s life a little easier or a little better. In that vein, here’s my confession for today; I am scared out here, more than just occasionally. Sure, I’ve been afraid on previous cruises but it’s not quite the same this time. In the past, I’ve been afraid of a particular situation. This time, it’s more of an underlying anxiety about nothing in particular. It’s worse at sea, worse when conditions are rough or when we’re in a tenuous anchorage, but is mostly constant at some level.
I don’t remember being afraid like this on previous cruises. I was ten years younger then and I think I was still covered by the invincibility shield of youth, despite being 40-plus then. I really suspect that what I’m feeling now is, at least in part, a symptom of another ten years of aging.
I’ve seen similar, subtle effects of age on several people, in particular, our parents. As they aged, they seemed to become more afraid of every-day things as well as less able to be happy in general. My aunt got to the point that she would only make right turns and would not drive on the freeway – a big handicap when living in Los Angeles.
I’ve also noticed that I should be happier than I am. I should be deliriously happy, after all, I’m sitting on a boat in Tonga. How can it get any better? I’m not unhappy by any means, but I think I should be more enthusiastic about life, given my fortunate situation.
Today, Cyndi and I took action; we went to see a local doctor. With the apprehension of the New Zealand passage hanging over our heads, we decided to see if drugs could help with the nerves a bit.
Written a few months later, sitting in Opua, New Zealand:
As you may have read in Cyndi’s post, we got a mild anti-depressant from the doctor in Tonga – started taking them right away and I was at least imagining I felt results in just a few days. After a week, I was really starting to feel a difference – feeling much better. The low-grade, constant apprehension was for the most part gone and what was left was very manageable. I was less irritable. I felt happier.
We’ve been taking the pills for over two months now and I love them! I’m glad I got over the stigma, real or imagined, of taking anti-depressants or mood altering drugs in general. (I always wondered if antidepressants would change who I was. Now I think that’s nonsense. And even if it did change who I was, I like being this drugged person better!)
I am really happy now and I think that is a totally appropriate way to feel, given our situation. Actually, this is the happiest I’ve ever been, and again, given the circumstances, I think it would be indicative of a problem to feel any other way. Now, when I do become irritated about something, my immediate reaction is to wonder if I remembered to take today’s pill. Almost always, I have, but this seems to break the cycle or a spiral into a bad mood.
As for anxiety, it’s still there a bit when I think ahead to our upcoming passage back to the tropics, but at what I now consider a manageable and appropriate level.
I don’t know what the long-term effects are of taking these pills. We’re going to see a doctor in New Zealand and find out. I don’t know if we could have achieved these same results with some type of cognitive therapy. I doubt it. I really feel that these pills are chemically combating chemical changes in my brain that have come with age – a natural consequence of aging for some people (I’ll be 55 in a couple of months). It seems to me that these pills confront the problem at the same level as the problem’s cause.
A side note: I’d hate for anyone to think that all the glowing, wonderful things we say about New Zealand are merely a result of happy pills. There are lots of cruisers walking around this beautiful country with huge smiles and they can’t all be druggies like me.
What must you think? I write about taking antidepressants and struggling to have an AFD (alcohol free day) now and then. What it is, I hope, is an honest representation of the cruising life of this particular cruiser. -Rich
